Tuesday, May 5, 2015

FAMILY STRESS SYNDROME



 My book "Better Living Through Chaos" makes a great Mother's Day Gift!

Don't take my word for it, watch this:





Feel free to share or pass along to any woman who might enjoy having this book.  And then pour yourself a glass of wine.



Wednesday, April 15, 2015

I AM A BEAUTIFUL.

I have an Android phone.  It's my first smart phone and of course I love it.  I am always learning new things my phone can do.


For instance, my son showed me a funny thing.  When you are typing a text message, you can simply hit the words offered to you by auto-correct or whatever you call that little bar that offers you words.









In the picture above, it is the part that says "What".

That is not my hand, by the way.  Or my phone.  I got this picture off the internet.  I forget the name of the site I copied from. 

Just kidding.  

Anyway, you can start a message and then just rapidly tap that word (in this case "What" but any word might appear there) over and over again.  The Android will magically type your message for you based on some Androidy logarithm of words that go together or are frequently used or are in your own personal word bank from the data stored in the blah blahbitty blah I don't really know how it works.

The point is, my Android wrote this:

I AM GOING TO SHOPRITE LATER TODAY.  I AM A BEAUTIFUL PERSON.  I AM A BEAUTIFUL, AND I WILL BE THERE. IT HAS TO DO.  I HAVE A DR APT, BUT IT WOULD TAKE TO MAKE A DECISION ON WHAT TO SAY.  YOU ARE HERE.

Turns out the Android is a powerful seer.  I am always going to Shoprite, and I am a beautiful person, inasmuch as any 50 something woman with dry skin, short legs and an impatient temperament can be.  Between myself, the kids, my husband and the dog, I am pretty sure someone does indeed have a Dr. appointment (though not an apartment) today.

And, in fact, you are here.  You are reading this.

 My phone is a poet and a visionary.  And, I can use it to call people.

What does your Android say?






Thursday, April 9, 2015

WHAT'S ON YOUR LIST?



Not your bucket list.  Not your grocery list.  Your to-do list.  The stuff you plan to do today, or this week, or by a certain date.  The stuff you need to do before your mother visits, or before the camp out, or before taxes are due.

I’ve always been a list maker.  The older I get, the more I rely on my lists because I simply can’t keep track of all the things I have to do without it.  One time, when my oldest was about 1 year old, I forgot to feed him dinner.  I just got busy, and he never cried about it, and suddenly it was bedtime and I realized I never fed him.

I really need my list.

I update my list and print it out and drag it around the house with me.  My husband will sometimes write on the bottom “Kiss Bill Lobley” or some other hopeful addition like that.
Doesn't that look neat and organized?  Except that if you look closely you will see a heading called "Communion" to remind me to get ready for the celebration next month.  The thing is, my son is receiving Confirmation, not Communion.  He is 14.  Communion is when you are 8.  I didn't even notice that typo until I posted this.


Also, please enjoy my "Spring Cleaning" list.  Check back in June to see if any of it was accomplished.

Within minutes of printing out a fresh list, I discover other things I need to do, so instead of reprinting, I just write in the margins.  Pretty soon the list looks like this.


Then I make a new list.  Sometimes I actually write on my list, "Make a new list."

This could be a sickness.

Some of the highlights on my list today include a thorough cleaning of the upstairs bathroom, which my husband deemed "appalling."  I believe that's a relative term.

Also: buy a curtain rod, finalize travel plans for yet another college visit, buy groceries and um ... blog.

Well, at least I've done one thing on the list.  Thanks for your help.






Wednesday, March 18, 2015

THINKING SPRING

"In the spring, a young man's fancy turns to love."

Actually, that's not the right quote.  The line is from the poem "Locksley Hall" by Lord Alfred Tennyson.  It goes  --

"In the Spring a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love" ...

It's a charming phrase, but not that happy a poem.  Read it if you must, but you may need a drink afterward, or at least a stroll on the moors.

My thoughts are lightly turning to spring, or at least they're trying to.

I'm thinking of spring cleaning ...

 and cleaning out the front closet ...
and bringing my herb garden back to life ...


which I guess I could start by just putting away the garbage can that was rolling around in the driveway in the high winds of yesterday.  I'd also like to put a window box here ...


to grow some parsley and cilantro that the bunnies and hedgehogs can't get to. 

Oh dear.  I'm expecting a lot of spring.  I'm going to need a drink AND a walk on the moors.  I know just wine I'm going to choose to get me in the mood for warmer weather ...

I tried it last week.  It's delicious.  Cheers!

Thursday, March 12, 2015

HOW I GOT ON INSTAGRAM

I've been thinking about getting on Instagram.  It would give me an opportunity to post more pictures and captions, which I sometimes have the urge to do ... without going into an entire blogpost.

I also sometimes have the urge to clean my teen's room.

But then it passes.

But the Instagram urge has not passed.  So I tried to download it onto my computer.  Then the computer told me very nicely that I needed to first connect my Android device to my computer.

This is how you know you're old.  You're computer has to tell you stuff like that.

So I got my phone and then I got the urge to take a picture of myself in my Mom jeans.

Like them?  I decorated them myself.  They're actually a pair of boys' jeans that my kids out grew and I "adapted" for myself.

This is how you know you're old, you think that just sewing a couple of flowers on some boys jeans makes you look cool.

BTW, you would not believe how hard it was to take a selfie of my jeans.  How do all these celebs take naked selfies?  Do they use a selfie stick?  And if so, don't they feel weird waving the stick around while posing in the buff?  Aren't they cold during all that posing?

This is how you know you are old, thinking about a naked selfie just makes you feel chilly.

Anyway ... I downloaded the app, read the Terms and Conditions (NOT) and signed in.  I have two followers so far.  I don't know who they are.

I hope they like Mom jeans.

Monday, March 2, 2015

MATCHES FOR LONELY SOCKS

My laundry table is like a dating site for socks.  They show up, single, and looking for a match.

The dominant sock is a white, athletic, tall sock.  But we welcome all colors and sizes to the dating table. 

You don't have to be perfect, either.  You can have a little hole in the ankle area or some loose threads, and still find a match for yourself. You can even be stained.  But if you have a hole in your toe or heel, you're out.  Sorry.  Actually, that's how many of our socks become single.  Their mates got a hole in the toe and well, they had to go.



Whoa!  This little gal appears to be lost. Gardening Gloves need to head to the garage, where they can take their own chance on happiness.

Here at my laundry table we try very hard to get a match for everybody.  You are allowed to linger for a long time waiting for your match.  Some people might call that disorganization or sloppiness.  I call it tender patience.

And usually, you do find a sole mate.


These two are living happily ever after.

Until the next laundry day.



Sunday, February 22, 2015

WHY I LOVE TULIPS

Tulips are my favorite flower.  I love their simple green stems and their brilliantly colored petals.  But the reason I really love them is that they move.  They bend toward light.

These flowers were upright when I went to bed.  But when I got up in the morning, they were leaning toward a big window.

Did you know that tulips still grow after they are cut?  Yes, they can grow up to one inch after they are cut.

It's wonderful what you can learn by pretending to write a book but instead just spending a bunch of time clicking around all over eHow.

Wishing you some sun to bend toward today.